By Kevin LaRose for F4WOnline.com
Welcome to the longest running episodic Internet Wrestling Show recap report in the history of all time and space: The main Eeent of weekly WWE recaps, the weekly recap of WWE Main Event.
The Ascension vs. Big Cass and Enzo Amore
The commentary team is very concerned about the WWE right now. Tom Phillips thinks that the WWE is in the midst of a time of change. David Otunga, I’m not too sure about him. Between showing up regularly at the Steve Harvey Show, painting the town red with his Hollywood wife, being a high powered attorney, and making sure his arms are ripped to the point of absurdity, I can understand how he doesn’t have time to reflect on how I find his fashion offensive. He is wearing a sleeveless hoodie over a shirt that has to be a Youth XL, because it looks like it is about to tear itself in half from being so tight.
And Phillips is right, things are changing because the other Ascension is back from his suspension.
Enzo and Cass make their way out to a huge ovation from the crowd, and Otunga has the nerve to make fun of Enzo’s outfit. Enzo says his piece, and they get a few laughs over on the Ascension. Big Cass talks a lot about football for a really long time. Otunga continues to make fun of Enzo’s outfits. Enzo starts off the fight against Viktor, and then Konnor gets tagged. There’s a cool spot where Enzo lands a springboard plancha and Viktor hits him with a corkscrew uppercut. Otunga loves that move. Konner beats up Enzo, and the Ascension cut him off and everyone wants the HOT TAG.
Enzo makes tag to Big Cass and they hit the Badda Boom Shaka Laka for the win.
We learn that John Cena speaks Mandarin.
Sin Cara vs Baron Corbin
Otunga reminisces for a moment on his in-ring career. Out comes Corbin. He’s closed the book on his rivalry with Dolph Ziggler, according to Phillips. So with that out of the way, now is the opportunity to establish who Corbin is with the audience. I know what he is. He’s a sweaty biker dude with a skullet, who also drives an old white van, carries a pocket knife and will do unspeakably horrific things to you if he doesn’t like you, and man oh man, he doesn’t like you because Corbin doesn’t like anyone. Otunga thinks Corbin is a future world champion, and everyone knows Otunga is famous for his eye for talent.
Sin Cara kicks Corbin, and then Corbin throws Cara across the ring. Cara fights back for a bit and attempts the pin to no avail. Corbin hits the End of Days, and as my girlfriend always says, “No one ever kicks out of the End of Days”.
Otunga is so excited about the upcoming brand split.
US Champion Rusev vs Zack Ryder
If there is any justice in the world, Rusev will be a multi-time World Champion by the time his run is over. His talent and charisma is off the charts. Plus he gets to hang out with Willie Nelson, Woody Harrelson, and Kris Kristofferson in Hawaii, he tries to play the acoustic guitar in his spare time, he seems like he is in a happy relationship, and he loves Space Jam.
Dolph Ziggler is on commentary wearing a Degeneration X shirt and a blazer. I have to apologize to Ziggler because I lied to him once. He was doing a comedy thing and I went to laugh, but I didn’t laugh at all because I didn’t think anything was funny. I saw him leaving the venue and I shouted “Good job” to him, and I feel bad because that is not how I felt at the time. Dolph, I hope you can forgive me, and I promise to be honest from now on.
Otunga, such a brave and bold broadcast journalist, asks Dolph about Rusev and Lana’s engagement. Dolph rambles off about Twitter. Sometimes I think all he has in this world is his Twitter account, @heelziggler. Rusev kicks Ryder in the damn face because Rusev is a damn beast and he can and will rip your damn heart out in front of your damn face. But, he can also steal it from you.
Rusev has everything it takes to be America’s sweetheart and American Psycho. Otunga is so mad that Rusev is US Champion. No one on commentary thinks that there’s any truth to Rusev’s claim that he is an American hero. What a bunch of ignorant meatheads. Rusev continues to beat the living puke out of Ryder. Ryder shows his heart for a bit, and puts up some offensive. But Rusev machka.
Ryder taps out to the Accolade. Ziggler calls Phillips “TP”…and we’re done.